


The Top Secret Undersea Laboratory of Dr. Lambert, Evil Genius

by samanthahirr



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol S8, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Evil Plans, Humor, M/M, Mad Scientists, Romance, Villains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-17
Updated: 2011-05-17
Packaged: 2017-10-19 12:58:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/201102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samanthahirr/pseuds/samanthahirr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every evil genius needs an audience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Top Secret Undersea Laboratory of Dr. Lambert, Evil Genius

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [](http://cinaea.livejournal.com/profile)[**cinaea**](http://cinaea.livejournal.com/) and a god-awful episode of _The Man from U.N.C.L.E._ Beta by [](http://cinaea.livejournal.com/profile)[**cinaea**](http://cinaea.livejournal.com/). Crack—pure crack.
> 
> Disclaimer: No infringements on the rights of real people intended. Not profiting in any way.  
> 

When Kris first arrived at MALICE's secret underwater laboratory, Dr. Adam Lambert was mid-exposition, long legs pacing around the room, fingers pulling at his black hair in true Evil Scientist fashion. Kris watched in mute horror for five seconds as Lambert laid out the details of his latest sinister scheme for the benefit of the Allegiance Against Evil agent tied up none-too-securely on a rickety-looking gurney, conscious and eagerly absorbing every top secret word spewing from Lambert's mouth.

Kris rolled his eyes and bit back a few curse words at his new assignment before manning up and doing his job. He gave a loud and showy salute, complete with foot-stomps and hands clasped over his heart, alerting Lambert to his presence.

"Dr. Lambert? Operative Kristopher Allen, Level 14, reporting for duty."

Lambert's crazy-eyed stare landed on him, and Kris winced at how unhinged the man looked. "I didn't ask for any more operatives—"

"MALICE HQ is concerned about some recent security breaches. They didn't want to waste your valuable time worrying about this kind of thing. I'm here to…eliminate the distractions." He glanced pointedly at the agent on the gurney, who was now eyeing Kris with visible concern.

"Oh. But it's not a distraction at all," Lambert said, smiling at his prisoner. "I love getting a fresh perspective on my work. I was just telling this guy here about the new microwave-based mind-control device I've been working on."

"Really? That sounds _fascinating_ ," Kris said, sidling across the room to take Lambert's elbow and steer him away from the do-gooder. "I haven't been briefed on your current projects, but the Hubble-laser project you developed last year was out of this world. I'm a _huge_ fan of your work. Why don't you show me what you've got so far?"

Lambert hemmed and hawed, apparently committed to finishing his explanation to the Allegiance agent, but with a few more over-the-top compliments, Kris finally got Lambert to shift focus. Of course, that meant Lambert began his exposition speech all over again, drawing Kris over to a bank of computer monitors to pull up some illustrative graphs. Kris sucked it up, smiled, and played along.

While Lambert pulled up a fresh set of schematics, Kris shot a look over his shoulder to the two grim-faced guards waiting in the doorway and jerked his chin meaningfully toward the agent.

The agent was cut free of the gurney and dragged out of the lab with a panicked squawk. Satisfied, Kris turned his attention back to Dr. Lambert's excited explanation of neuro-mechanics.

  
~

  
Kris applied for a transfer every day of his first two weeks in Dr. Lambert's lab. In fact, he'd applied for reassignment before he'd even arrived—the very hour his current orders had come in.

Kris had ambition; he'd been moving up in the organization. He'd just managed a very successful—if small—operation in Indonesia, and he'd expected a promotion to the African office within the next few weeks.

Instead, he'd been made the yes-man for an underwater loony so desperate for positive reinforcement he blabbed all of MALICE's secrets to every enemy agent he got his hands on. If Lambert had been anyone else, MALICE would've executed him as soon as they'd traced the multiple security breaches and compromised missions back to his lab. But no, apparently the evil doctor's designs were the best in the business, and HQ was willing to bend over backward to keep him out of trouble.

Which meant Kris had to kiss the man's ass at least ten times a day to keep Lambert from seeking outside opinions from Allegiance spies.

It was scant comfort that his installation as the new head of security hadn’t ruffled any feathers. If anything, Lambert's over-worked security detail were _relieved_ to have someone ruthless in charge at last. And Lambert didn’t even seem to notice that Kris had usurped his control of the lab’s security operations; he apparently thought Kris was just some guy HQ had sent to follow Lambert around all day, praising his crazy ideas.

Kris sent two more transfer requests out of habit on Monday and Tuesday of his third week while he waited for his coffee to brew. He forgot on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday, too. He sent another request late Saturday afternoon, but that was because Lambert had nearly blown up the lab and drowned them all in the Adriatic Sea. But by Sunday, Kris had already forgotten the hazards of explosives-testing in an artificial, aquatic habitat, and was back in Lambert's lab, watching a demonstration of the newest in euphoria-inducing light wave fluctuations.

Because the thing was…HQ was right: Lambert was _brilliant_.

Kris hadn't been lying about the Hubble-laser; he'd been honestly impressed by the one-off manipulation of the deep space telescope into an inter-galactic heat ray. The mayor of Lisbon had _also_ been impressed, coughing up 30 million Euros after the laser permanently altered his city's coast line. And the new plans coming out of Adam’s lab were game-changing, earth-shaking concoctions of chaos. Kris had never imagined the appeal of working with an evil genius, the awe of watching the creative process in action, and the pleasure of a front-row seat for all the mayhem such a truly gifted mind could produce.

When Lambert turned to Kris that third Sunday, blue eyes dancing with the success of the simulation he'd just run, Kris beamed back and said, "It's amazing. Absolutely amazing," and meant every word of it.

  
~

  
By the time security summoned Kris from his quarters at 4 in the morning, Lambert had the latest Allegiance intruder handcuffed to a swivel-chair and was warming up to a full Shakespearean soliloquy on his advancements in the field of brain-chemistry manipulation…and its potential uses against the heavily-armed local resistance forces currently besieging MALICE’s strongholds in Central America.

Kris walked into the lab, ignoring Dr. Lambert's captive audience and the two security guards standing nervously behind him. He caught Lambert's hand and said, "Adam, could you help me with something? I was trying to remember the sequence of combustion reactions you showed me yesterday, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what came after you introduced the sodium nitrate." Kris laughed and added, "I couldn't sleep; it was bothering me so much."

Lambert's eyes widened comically and he squeezed Kris's hand. "Oh no, I'm so sorry you couldn't sleep! The last thing I want is you to lose sleep over anything. Let me show you again, here," and Lambert led Kris out of the lab, his enemy agent completely forgotten.

Kris gave the nod to his security forces to dispose of the Allegiance agent properly before following Dr. Lambert. As he went, he tried to ignore the way his stomach fluttered from the intensity of Adam's gaze and the thrill of how _easily_ he'd managed to get the man's undivided attention this time.

  
~

  
"You haven't requested a new position in several weeks. I hope this means you're happy with your current one," the Commander of MALICE Western Hemisphere Operations said.

"My current position?" Kris repeated into the receiver, keeping his voice low to hide the catch in his throat.

Adam stopped what he was doing and watched Kris with narrowed eyes, which never boded well.

"No, no, this position's working great," Kris blurted, trying to get that curious, _considering_ expression off Adam's face.

"Excellent, that's good to hear. Dr. Lambert has finished some truly remarkable projects since you took over his security. We're all extremely pleased with Lambert's improved performance—"

"So am I," Kris agreed, fighting to keep his voice steady as Adam started fucking him again.

"—and everyone at HQ knows a good deal of that is thanks to you. You're making a real difference for the organization. I just wanted you to know that we're all aware how hard this assignment must be—"

Kris bit back a groan as Adam hitched Kris's leg higher on his shoulder and slid his _very_ hard cock deeper.

"—for someone with your ambitions, but you're exactly where we need you to be right now."

"Yes, Sir," Kris gritted out as the whole bed rocked with Adam's harder thrusts.

"So, keep up the fine work, and you'll see our gratitude reflected in your next Christmas bonus."

"Thank you, Commander. Long live MALICE."

"Long live MALICE," the commander echoed before Kris threw the phone back on his desk.

"If you're done ignoring me…" Adam said, screwing his hips around in a very pointed manner.

"I'm all yours," Kris promised. "You were talking about—oh god, _there_ —particle deceleration in high altitudes?"

"I was saying," Adam said, bent low to whisper the words in Kris's ear, "that I have a new theory that the thinner dispersion of carbon atoms in the upper atmosphere could increase the effective range of an energy pulse weapon if triggered at high altitude, by a magnitude of up to four times sea level."

"Oh, fuck yeah," Kris gasped, clawing at the damp skin of Adam's back. His cock was leaking against his stomach as Adam pounded into him and talked his new favorite kind of dirty talk. "I love your fucking brain, Jesus."

Adam growled and slipped a hand between their bodies, forced a finger in alongside his cock. Kris howled at the extra stretch and burn, clenching helplessly as Adam pulled out and thrust back in. "Say that again," Adam ordered.

"I love your brain," Kris said and was rewarded with a savage kiss.

A long time later, Adam whispered, "I'm gonna name a doomsday device after you," as his fingers combed the tangles from Kris's sweaty hair.

Kris sighed happily and rubbed his toes against Adam's shin. "I'd like that."  



End file.
